I do not desire to be graphic. But I experienced a miracle today and I need to share it with the world.
Move over Jackie Oh - you're not the only one having some miracles.
Picture it.
the Mormon master bathroom
It's the morning. Dawn's early light is peeking through my tasteful wood blinds with goldenrod curtains.
I, Mama, hop on my slim, white WeightWatchers scale to see if I have miraculously lost 20 lbs over night. (A girl can dream.)
sigh - no such luck
Now - picture a disheartened Mama shuffling to the potty.
At this point, you might want to halt the visualization.
After a most discreet and genteel tinkle, I re-weighed myself before popping into the shower. And WHATTHEMONKEY? I'd lost a pound.
A pound of tinkle? Clearly, this was a Mormon miracle. I have to share it with the wooooooorld.
34 comments:
If you feel you are 20 lbs overweight, you obviously have 20 lbs of excess urine. I can think of no other explanation. It certainly isn't the Chalupas at Taco Bell.
Hahahahahaha! Marksmomm, you are too funny and I love it! I cannot top that comment and I won't even try so I will bow to your superiority and quietly slip off to run amock in some other area. But, Mama, do not take my lack of comment to mean I am not supportive of your efforts. You go, girl! Uhh, ice cream, anyone? :-)
MM - I'm more like 50 lbs overweight, but I'm willing to work on 20 of 'em.
And heck, I'm not dieting anymore. I'm just going to tinkle more regularly. Who knew? If I lose a pound of tinkle a day, by the end of the year, I'll be negative weight! :)
Jackie - you are dead to me (DTM) for egging MM on. She needs no encouragement. You should SEE how the woman mocks me.
I, of course, never mock her.
By the way, did EITHER of y'all crank up the volume on my music player and sing my muffin top song to the tune of "Rocky Top" just to see if it'd work? It's OK to admit it here - you're among friends.
I hate that muffin top song because I hear it at 3 in the morning when I get up to shed 2 pounds of urine. It's like that "this is the song that never ends" song or "the wheels on the bus "
PS - I love you too Jackie and I already informed Mama that the next time I come to Florida...I am bonding with you ( even if you're in a coma ).
So now, you are raising my tinkle challenge? You think you can tinkle more than a pound?
Puh-lease.
We can rumble if you want to. No prob. Oh - brb - The Guinness Book of World Records is on the phone asking about my "miracle"!!!!!
Would I get into a pissing contest with you???????? Puleese!! I'm over 40 and I leak when I get off the couch....I lose at least 10 pounds a day.
MM blows the smoke off her uretha. Take that pardner.
You know, MM.
There are probably some perfectly lovely people who read here who are terrified to post and have their name sullied by our antics.
sigh
I'd love to have more posters, but it DEPENDS on them.
BWAH HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA
ROFL!!!!!!!!!! Ok...that made me spew!!!
I guess I better mind my....pees and q's.
0_0
wiping tears....
I wonder how much weight I could lose from spewing at our lame jokes?
Ohhhhhh now wait a minute....tear weight loss!! That has YET to be explored!! Shoot... you might be anorexic by midnight here!
he he he
I wonder what I could lose by sneezing? It is allergy season. 0_0
(You know we're totally sick and gross - right?)
Yes we're sick and gross but we're also genius because..... we have figured out the key to weight loss. Who cries and pees more than anyone?? Babies!! Have you ever seen an obsese baby?? Peeing and crying will make you thin!
Move over Al Gore. You're SO getting a Nobel Prize for that discovery, girlfriend.
MM weeps for joy ( another 2 lbs lost too!! ). I am soooooo happy!
I just peed 5 pounds. Just sayin!
Whooooooooooooohooooooooooo!! Catheters ( Jackie, how does one spell that? ) are our friend!!
Psh...I NEVER weigh until after I've gone pee! I do not desire to be graphic, but the results are even better after going poop! WHAT THE FECES? ;)
Momi - Kudos to you!!!
Now - raise your hand if you love Nancy for playing along!
(Mama waves crazily!)
Move over Marksmomm. Nancy is getting your Noble Prize!
Nancy...you are da queen!! The queen of poop!!
Thanks, pals, this was just lovely. And because I was so thoroughly engrossed in this fascinating bit of scientific discovery ("grossed" being the operative word, here), I thought I would share that I have discovered even ANOTHER way one's body can assist one in shedding those unsightly pounds: BARFING! To get started in this brilliant method, just reread today's entries. Yahoozers!!! }=>
Personally Jackie, I blame you for this thread going so far off course. You egged me on. I am incorrigible and therefore not responsible for my actions. Barf is you must but you've now given us more bodily functions to discuss.
P.S. Admit it - most of this WAS funny. Especially anything I posted :)
MM - admit it - you totally had to look up how to spell incorrigible.
Mom - you do NOT get a Noble Prize nod for realizing barfing leads to weight loss. A lot of bulimics came before you with that one. You'll have to try again.
Oh! I know - sweating is a way we can lose weight. Jackie, you should be about 95 lbs if you stay in your apartment this weekend!
Drat - how did you know?? The older I get, the harder spelling words is for me to recall.
My new motto?? Blame Jackie. Everyone knows it's always the mom's fault.
Flock - now I have bad grammar - I give up.
I'M the problem, now, Marksmomm??? Geesh! I thought I was being charming and delightful and supportive by acknowledging your superiority of comment in this "miracle" thread; little did I know my classy and personable comment would result in this type of verbal castigation (look THAT one up!) and so, to ease my anguished heart, I will . . . well, I don't know what I will do, actually, but my guess is that chocolate will be involved.
And YOU, Missy Mama (!) are more than welcome to pop over and spend some time in the family sauna, to avail yourself of the free weight loss opportunities it offers, because Captain Underpants and I are at a nifty hotel, with the a/c cranked down to the "frostbite" option.
Cheerio and how many different little drinks can one get, poolside, with umbrellas in them? Let's see: Diet Coke with umbrella; Gatorade with umbrella; water with umbrella (hahahah); oh yeah - the world is right there before me! Yahoozers!!!
Well...that went well 0_0
I wet myself a little at Jackie's post...but at least I lost weight
Marksmomm, you are the best and you crack me up! Come to Florida, soon! If I am in one of my little comas, feel free to drop in, anyway, and short-sheet the blankets, write on my face with markers, and play with the dials on all the machines. :-) Yahoozers and, now, back to my current umbrella drink: Atkins shake with umbrella.
Oh heck Jackie - you are toast if you're in a coma. I'd put your hand in warm water ( but you'd lose weight )...freeze your bra....and I would definitely draw circles around your eyes with permanent markers ( actually, that mysteriously happened to a college roommate of mine. She looked like a raccoon. The more she scrubbed, the redder the area got. No clue on how the markings got there. Sort of like mysterious crop circles ).
Jackie - will you make me biscuits if I visit?
You want biscuits? Of course! Angel biscuits and tubs of butter and honey all around. Oh wait . . . didn't that lead to the first little coma? Okay . . . well, we'll hold off on the honey. hehehehehehehe
You love me...you reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally love me!!!
Jackie - you had me at "you want biscuits "
I'm gagging a bit at the love fest here.
Consequently, I lost 2.35 lbs. though.
YAY!
I think your jealousy is uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugly Mama....ugly I tell ya!! Next you'll be saying since Jackie birthed you ....that you are more important!!
Pish!
P.S. Tell #3 that all the best girls are bitten.
"verbal castigation "
Drama slinks away ....
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