All in a day's work, folks.

I'm not just a wife, mom, school volunteer, and Relief Society President (who harbors children) - I am a (wait for it)

RESCUE HERO!

Drama-O - this story sounds like it should have taken place in your world.  But it happened to little ole me. Plain Mormon Mom.  Well, Plain Mom turned RESCUE HERO!!!

My friend is having a baby today and had to be at the hospital at 5 am.  I told her I'd come to her home at 4:30 am so I could babysit and she wouldn't have to wake her son.

So, I was toodling down the road minding my oooooooown 4-something-in-the-morning business when what to my wondering eyes did appear but a car flying backwards into a house....and the bushes of that home catching fire?

Immediately, I dialed 9-1-1.  Then I saw a dude jump out of the car (that was now stuck into the home's front porch) and run to the end of the block.  The fire at the home was getting bigger - mostly the car was now engulfed, but a third to a half of the front porch was now burning and it was spreading easily. While I was on the phone with 9-1-1, the punk jerk firestarter face jumped into another car and drove the heck AWAY!

OH YES HE DID, TOO!

I wanted with every fiber of my being to follow his smarmy buns down and perform a Citizen's Arrest, but sadly, there was one of me and someone's house was on fire, so I really needed to tell the people inside that they were in dire straits more than I needed to stalk a criminal.

I kept the fire rescue man on the phone while I went on the (firey - yes FIREY) porch and rang the door bell about 300000000 times.  A woman comes out to see a car, now engulfed in flames, on her front porch. She had a fire extinguisher, but it didn't do a fat lotta good.

I was still on the phone with fire rescue man when I heard a loud "pooooooof" noise and he said, "Are you still OK?"  He'd heard the loud poooof, too.  It was, apparently, a tire exploding. He told me to get out of there as all the tires would probably explode.  I was really only too happy to get off the porch because by now, the fire was pretty hot and pretty big and definitely not more than 10 feet away from me.

I raced off of the porch and was finally able to give the home's street number to the rescue man. Fire trucks were still 4 minutes away, he told me, but he said I'd done all I could do and needed to stay away.  I'd already made the same determination that I wasn't going in to save animals and fish and stuff.  I'm cool - but I'm not THAT cool.

I had to leave before the fire trucks and police got there as, well, I still had to babysit so a family could get their new daughter!  I left my info there and then watched the news like a hawk to get the scoop.

When the angel I'm babysitting woke, I quickly loaded him up so we could go back to the scene of the crime. I met the woman whose doorbell I'd rung and she just started crying and saying she couldn't believe I did it.  The neighbor had had her home run into by the car, as well. When she looked out the window to see what had happened, she also saw the flames, and sent her son to the back door to alert the family. She'd called 9-1-1, as well. Apparently, she didn't know I'd already been rescue heroing it up for them, but that's OK. There's room in town for two of us.

The home that was crashed into had a major support pillar knocked off it's (huge) front porch. The house is inhabitable, as the fire didn't spread there, but there's no going on the porch - the roof is not fully supported.  

The home that was on fire is pretty bad.  They have removed the car (it was stolen.) The porch and the front first floor of the home and pretty well destroyed. Windows broken out, etc. Apparently, if I am understanding it right, I didn't need to tell the woman her house was on fire as the car crashed almost into her bedroom!!! 

The perps fled and there aren't a ton of leads right now.  Interestingly, the on-duty security officer who was about 6 houses away neither heard the huge loud crunch sound of the car crashing into not one but two homes, but he also never noticed the fire.  Real crackerjack of a guy, huh?  

They believe 2 cars were drag racing, one lost control and went into the two homes, and then the other car came and picked the escaped driver up.

All of that before 5 am, folks.  I'm expecting a key to the city and a medal of valor any time now. No one has contacted me about it, but I'm sure it'll be coming.  Maybe they'll have a parade and name a park or something after me.  Ya never know!

You want to dance with stars?

Then come over and boogey with my big girls!  They just got in the school talent show! 

79 acts entered, but 20 were chosen (at least - that's what the mommy-rumor mill is reporting.) They'll be doing a jazz dance to You Can't Stop the Beat from Hairspray.

Each act that was chosen gets to work on advertising the event.  1.0 was selected in her group to make a poster that will get to hang on a real live SCHOOL WALL!  Oh yes!  Her poster - on a school wall - announcing a Mormon family dance!  Their lives are now complete.

I have few demands as a mother of my children, but there are a couple of must-dos.  Someone in the house 1. WILL be an Olympian, and 2. WILL be a professional dancer. And it seems we're well on our way to accomplishing number two.  I mean, I'm not personally on my way to making number two.  Two being a dancer, not ummm, you know, the other Number Two.  One of my kids might end up dancing - not pooping. I mean, they all poop - that's going well here. Not that I check...I just don't hear complaints about it. But this is about dancing, not pooping....

When I cleaned my home yesterday...

...I'd envisioned it staying clean(ish) and being lovely for a while. Friday is Spring Break, but yesterday was my last day to clean before the mania of having kids at home with nothing to do starts. Once they are all here all day every day, who knows when the toilets will be cleaned again, ya know?  

I mopped everything - cleaned the front porch - power vacuumed - did the woodwork - refilled the fountain and cleaned it - tackled THE STAIRS - threw out dead plants - etc.  Ahh - the beauty that is sterilization and a clean house with no kids in it!  

Then I called Jackie-Oh and was going to camp out over there last night to celebrate her old-lady-birthday with the miniMormons!

That's not exactly how things panned out for the Mormon fam.  I ended up emergency babysitting 6 kids in my freshly-clean-scented-candles-a-burning-windowsills-vacuumed-out-weeds-all-pulled-house.  Add those 6 to my 3, and it was a kid-fest.  There was one middle schooler at the event, but she was a little too preoccupied chatting with a boy on her cell phone to be  a ton of help.

I am learning to love being the Relief Society President, but I'm wondering if I'll ever get used to the emergencies of the sisters.  Yesterday, I gained several new temporary children because a gal's estranged (recently excommunicated) husband decided to become a stalker and leave her crazy messages and try to take their children out of school without her knowledge.  While she went to get that sorted out, I got the kids because 3 guard gates could work to protect her babies.   

Nine kids and one mom are hard on a house.  It's not a trip to watch your freshly cleaned house be destroyed.  A giant sliding screen door is now ripped down - the net around the trampoline is in shreds - there was dog poop all over the freshly mopped floor - every game we own has pieces sprawled around the second floor - my mom's birthday got wrecked...

But my kids are safe and happy. My husband loves me (somewhat) and I don't have to worry about him harming us or leaving town with our kids.  I have the blessing of living a good good life - just  in a home that's in a bit of disarray.  My friend can't put her life together right now without a tremendous amount of work and pain.  My home is in disarray - her life is.  And the life of her kids.  It's pretty easy to see which I'd choose.

I'll take the spilled juice and dirty socks by the door.  I am grateful to be the babysitter  - my problems are small. 

I don't know if the many sadnesses of this calling will ever quit shocking me.   This morning, I've already gotten a call that one sister's son has run away from home (he's now found) and another sister's husband is stuck in a broken down car (a family of six's only vehicle) about 40 minutes away needing a ride back home. There's a message here I still have to deal with - the employment center would love to help a sister find work, but the people interviewing her say she looks like a meth-addict - could I work on getting her a makeover? She has recently lost her job and is the sole breadwinner for her six children.  She's too mortified to even tell her family she's lost her job, yet. 

I see these trials folks have and am grateful, thankful, and happy to live my life and to have made the choices I made.  I'm glad to have a house that folks can come to and take a load off for a while.  I know I can't save anyone, but I'm glad they can rest here.

Now, I'm off to a bread making class!  (I bought her a bread pan, too. Just covering the bases...)

Addictions are bad

One shouldn't be addicted to anything.  Even an addiction to something conceivably good can lead one down a bad, slippery slope to yuck-ville.  Take, say - an addiction to working out. It can lead one to be completely preoccupied about her figure, her weight, and it will make her no fun at parties.  

I try to keep some balance in my life and avoid addictions. But sadly, of late, I've failed.  I've seen that Tree of Addictions and I'm standing on the Trunk of Shame. I need to let go, but I'm weak.  I'm weak to Reality TV.

First, it was Project Runway.

Then, Dancing with the Stars.

And now....weep....

Real Housewives of New York City

Oh yes I do too like it.  And beyond just liking it, I'm totally drawn in like a moth to the flame.

I want to know about Fashion Week and Trunk Shows and the Hamptons. I want to see Ferarris and people flying private planes between Martha's Vineyard and the Hamptons at 5k a pop. I want to know how the other half lives. I'm weak to it!  It's the brownstones and being wait listed at pre-Ks and having a car service that just sucks me in and keeps me coming back for more. Thank goodness for insomnia last night so I could get caught up.  

Apparently, you do not need to be an actual housewife to participate in this show.  One is a countess (which I barely think counts), 2 others have full-time jobs, and one is not married.  There is a "true" housewife who has a French au pair for her boys, Johann and Francois. Rough life.

 

Is there a 12-step-program for my addiction?  

(Mom - you'd be in love with this show. I think you would too, Momi.  Watch it with me and I'll be your enabler!!)  

Shock and awe

Two things I never in a million years thought I'd ever say:

1.  Priscilla Presley is enjoyable to watch on DWTS.

2.  I had a good experience going to the Wal Mart super center today.

I know!  SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!

Pris isn't someone I'd invite to my sleepover, but she's reasonably enjoyable to watch dance. Her face (surprisingly) moves a lot more than I thought it would considering it's state of Botox-ness.

And today - at Wal Mart - not only was I first in line for a register, I was greeted out in front of the lines by someone asking if I was ready to check out.  Knock me over with a yellow smiley!!

The mighty mighty 1.0!

Today, 1.0 and 2.0 got to experience firsthand why I, and so many others around the world, have a fierce love of....

KICKBALL!!!!

If I've said it once, I've said it a good 5 or 6  times....straight out of high school, I should have been drafted onto a major league kickball team. In my mind, I'd envisioned making my first million as a professional kickball player - traveling the world - seeing the sights - making the cover of a Wheaties box.

And then, much like the 1992 basketball Dream Team members, I pictured myself stepping down from professional kickball for a short time in order to play for the US National Kickball Team in.....(duh)  THE OLYMPICS!  

I wasn't sure if we'd take home the gold. My imagination allowed for some big egos on our team that might thwart our ultimate victory. But I knew no matter what, I'd clearly be America's kickball version of Mary Lou Retton.  Well, Mary Lou plus some height and minus a leo.  I think we'd be equals on the vault.  But I digress...

I've often told my daughters of my great love of the sport.  They know of my glory days and my prowess on the clay.  And today - they tasted of the goodness that is kickball.  I was so happy and so proud to realize they follow in my footsteps (or kicks, as the case may be) as 1.0 made (now mind you - this was her first ever introduction to the sport!) a HOME RUN!

OH YES SHE DID!!!!

Someone in this family is gonna be an Olympian yet! That kid isn't going to get picked last on the team tomorrow, I'll tell you that right now!  Oh yeah...that's right...jump back........be afraaaaaaaaaaid of that fierce 40 pounds...chicken legs my butt - those are home run legs baby...

My kids are real kids - they do plenty of real kiddie stuff, like arguing and making messes. But today, they really impressed me.

When I woke up, the big girls were snuggled up on the sofa with their Easter baskets on the floor next to them.  And they were watching TV.  So I looked at the TV, and they were watching a movie about Easter and the Resurrection.

sniff

Happy Easter, everybody.  

Rate this sin

In this week's wonderment of "Is this a sin?" I need your help to figure out a tricky one!

How much of a sin is it to go out on the Sabbath to get some TP? Now, we need to factor in that said TP run could possibly be taking place on Easter Sunday. 

I think we'll make it tomorrow, provided no one does anything wonky.  But we might need some pre-Easter celebration TP if anyone has, well, issues. And in that case, if I do have to make a TP run, are we talking outer darkness there or just Telestial Kingdom?

I am thankful for the Relief Society in my home...

I heard a pretty cute talk today. It was by a man filling in (at the last minute I might add) for the Stake President at our Relief Society birthday luncheon.  He was a little rough around the edges (I can relate there) and obviously not used to speaking extemporaneously - and I loved his message.  Really fresh and enjoyable and the speaker was rather endearing.  He's a country boy who wore his best Wrangler suit and boots to church today.

He said a few things that will stick with me.  In particular, what moved me was when he said, "I am thankful for the Relief Society in my home. I've had the Relief Society in my home since I was a child, and I am grateful for its influence on me."  He went on to thank the women for everything from the good food that they cook to keeping men straight. 

 

I've heard many a grateful testimony about how having the priesthood around is a great comfort. But I've never heard someone expressing how much it means to them to have their wife honoring the Relief Society declaration.  You hear the typical, "I love my wife so much" kind of line from Mormon men - but to have someone say, "I'm thankful to have the Relief Society in my home" - gosh - something about it made my heart want to pop with happiness.  

He spoke about the differences between men and women and said that being a man trying to get something done is like having a row boat and only one oar.  He shared that a man with one oar will have a hard time getting to a good fishing spot in a lake.  He's likely, with only one oar, to go in circles and he'll have to work very hard to travel in a straight line.

Then he said that having a good wife is like having 2 oars in the boat - you can straighten yourself out with her paddling and you will be probably get there faster.  She might hit ya upside the head with the oar at times, as well, which isn't necessarily all bad.  

His simple comments really left a big impression on me - I'm glad to have been raised in a home where the Relief Society was present and honored. And I'm grateful to have the association of 5.5 million other women in the world who believe who might have different interests and talents and cultures than my own, but who also believe in the power of charity and service. 

And I'm glad to know I'm "purty.  Just real beauty-ful!"  He handed out some nice compliments about the Relief Society sisters and I'm still loving those, too!

Don't mess with me!

Do you want to complain, every two weeks, that the church-provided food isn't good enough for you? And comment, in particular, that the bread is really bad and you wish you could get good whole wheat bread?

Then watch out.  Because I don't suffer whiners well and I'll set up a personal bread-making class for you and buy you some wheat flour and yeast and call it a day.

  

That's right, I sure the heck will. And you'll learn how to make your own dang bread next Thursday at 10 am.

And next time you complain that the church doesn't give out good fish, I am seriously going to hand you a fishing pole.

Sometimes, I feel like the mom of this gang. I love 'em, but I'd like to put a few of them in time out.

First Loves

1.0 has her first crush.  It's been cute to watch and I think she's chosen to fall in love with a great guy.  He's strong, smart, and while he'd be darn lucky to have her, he's pretty unattainable. I have no worry as a mother about her ditching elementary school and eloping with him.  

This crush has opened some lines of communication for 1.0 and I.  We've talked about dating, how you act when you like-like someone, and what to do with your wands while on a date. 

That's right - my kid is in love with Harry Potter!  

sniff

Anyone else remember their first crush?  Mom - yours was surely on Lot.  Aren't you so glad you didn't hook up with him?  eeek

Meet the contestants!

I'd like to introduce you to some of my (sniff) bedazzled heroes!!!  

Funny stuff, peeps!

"

Oh yes oh yes oh yes!!!

I don't watch a ton of TV. For the most part, I have trouble sitting still that long.  Now, that's not to say the TV isn't on. It's on a lot for me to fall asleep, etc. But I'm pretty picky about programs I'll sit and watch.  And a lot of what is on now is reality TV - which overall, I'm not super duper into.

But there are two huge exceptions. I love and I mean LOVE Project Runway.  That show is fierce.  (Now - what the monkey is a "hot tranny mess?"  Maybe I don't want to know.)

And I love - am addicted to - consider it a highlight of my week  to watch.........DANCING WITH THE STARS!

Oh man - I'm so excited, homeys!  It's on this week, it's on this week!!!

I'm a mess for this show. (Perhaps a hot tranny one, if it doesn't mean something totally wonky.)  I pretend I'm a famous dancer and try the moves at home. The kids mock me and I send them to their rooms until they tell me I'm amazing and clearly should be on the show. (That's a perk of motherhood - forcing the children to sing my adulations.)

I love the show in high def and seeing all the sparkles. I imagine myself looking trim and glitterized and I get giddy.  I am very in love for the live music and the judges. Oh - Len Goodman.  I'd cha cha with you, ya meanie!

There's a lot I'm looking forward to seeing this season of the show. For instance, I want to see if Priscilla Presley's face ever moves or if it is, in fact, frozen to look like The Joker forever.  I also am dying to see if they have her dance to an Elvis ditty. Come on - you know you want to see her tribute dance to The King, too.

Marlee Matlin?  HELLO - that'll be fascinating.  Not since Heather Mills have we seen someone on the show with such a clear dance challenge.  Unless, of course, we are going to count Wayne Newton.  he he he

Penn Gillette can make the competition disappear. This should be good!  

And they got Steven Guttenberg?  I wonder if he'll waltz with a printing press?  (In my head, that was so hysterically funny.) Who is Steven Guttenberg, folks?

I predict Kristi Yamaguchi to be America's sweetheart once again.  After, of course, myself.  

Any other Dancing with the Stars lovers out there?  

I am dying to see Julianne Hough (my fav) with Adam Carolla. I don't see him being much of a dancer, so this should be a panic.  I suspect he'll corrupt that little Mormon girl.  

Ahhh, so it's certain to be a good week this week.  A dancing, bedazzled, co-host fest of a week!  YAY!

You know you're a a native when...

...you differentiate between your sunburns and know when you have a good one versus a bad one.

When your skin is red with a pink hue - bad burn. It's not going to last and it will hurt.  You're probably candy caning, too (not tan all over.)  For some reason, candy caning and red/pink burns go hand in hand.

When your skin is red with a brown hue - good burn. It won't hurt a smidge and you'll look great tomorrow.

Getting tons of sun is not good.  I've lived with the Radiated Mormon long enough to know the risks and dangers of sun exposure.  By all accounts, I should hole up and never come out in the sun. 

But!

See - I love the warmth of it. I love to have a smidge of a burn. I love that feeling of warm skin with a breeze across your back. I love the smell of suntan lotion and the feeling of cold sand as your toes dig deeper in to cool off at the beach.   I love the sound of birds over waves while you are reading a mindless book.  

During my senior year of high school, I missed one day of school per week.  It was my little reward to myself. I used that time to go to the beach and work on my thoroughly bodacious tan. Until last summer, it was the only time in life I remember being really REALLY tan.  Those were really precious days.  Snoozing on the beach by myself and knowing it was the last time in life that things would be that easy and peaceful - ahhh....

It was 89 here today when I left the pool.  Felt more like the low 80s.  Amazingly gorgeous and  breezy and basically, perfection. I loved being there with my kids. Simple simple simple thing that makes me happy happy happy.

Now, let's go see what kind of burn miniMormon 3.0 has. I applied SPF 70 twice in 3 hours.  dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuum

The blessings of THE CALLING

I do love my calling as Relief Society President. That might not always show.  I don't always love every little bit of the job, but I love the sisters a ton and I feel like I have the capacity to be a better person when this is all said and done.

Yesterday, I was telling Mr. Mormon some of the blessings that I've noticed from doing this job.  I decided I should record them somewhere so that when it seems tough, I can reflect on some of the goodness.

A few of the many blessings

1.  I have some seriously spooky discernment right now. Well, it should probably not be called "spooky" - I guess it's more "divinely inspired." More than once, months before an event happened, I have told Mr. Mormon what I felt would take place down the road. And these were very random, out of the ordinary, no-guessing-it-in-advance types of events.  I had no reason to suspect anything wonky was about to happen with these individuals. But Heavenly Father gave me a heads up and it made me much more calm in addressing the situation.  I (hope) instead of arriving to them in a state of shock, I've been able to address these sisters in a peaceful and level-headed way.  

2.  I now seem to have more hours in my day than any other person I know. It's been wild and I've commented on it many times to Mr. Mormon - and thought I'd share it here.  In the evening, when I review my days in my head, even I am sometimes shocked by all that was done in just short periods of time.

Yesterday, I had a Presidency meeting in the morning, took 3.0 to school, and found myself with one hour and 5 minutes free, if you counted the travel time to and from the school in that. 

Here's all that I did in that time.

1.  (From the school) called Mr. Mormon to check on a time for dinner

2.  Called the C-Dawg to confirm said dinner. Chit chatted because I LOVE CHERYLYN!

3.  Went home to get my recipe book - decided on dinner.

4.  Went to Publix to buy dinner.

5.  Came home - seasoned and browned roast.

6. Put all the groceries away.

7.  Finished the roast prep

8. Tidied the downstairs and cleaned the bathroom

9.  Tackled the very destroyed post-meeting playroom.

10. Threw a load of laundry in - folded a load.

11.  Called to check in on 2 sisters 

12.  Returned some emails

13. Re-made 3.0's bed and cleaned the upstairs bathroom.

14.   Raced out the door exactly on time to get 3.0 from school.

PHEW!

Another day, I remember needing to get a food order done but only having about an hour and  a half free.  Cherylyn and I dreamed up a plan and she took 2.0 and 3.0 for me - I drove the 15 minutes to the order, talked to the sister about nutrition, made a meal plan, completed the order, and came back to Cherylyn's and was done ahead of schedule.  It's like extra minutes have been added to my day.  I couldn't be more grateful!

3.  Getting to know the sisters has been a blessing and a half. I feel like I have 70 new best friends.  I walked into a birthday party of a neighbor and there were 2 of my Relief Society homeys.  (None of us knew the others were invited.)  Someone asked how we all knew each other and one of my friends said she knew one of the gals from church and said about me, "This is one of my best friends."

Prior to this calling, this girl and I were always friendly, but in light of this calling, we've had a lot more opportunities to be together and she's shared a lot about her life and her struggles with me.  It was a complete honor and a humbling experience to be called one of her best friends.

Additionally, because of this calling, I got to fall in love with Cherylyn and her darling family.  She has been a wonderful counselor who has told me the truth when it needed to be said and has been such a good, good friend and partner in crime, I mean, righteousness.  This calling has blessed me to make friends who will strengthen me forever.

4.  Perspective. Oh boy do I have a better perspective of life and what constitutes a trial now.  I thought I knew.  Now I know.

5.  I have always loved women and what women are able to accomplish. I'm so proud to be a wife, mother, and a woman. And I'm insanely impressed with what the women in my ward are able to accomplish. 

For almost 15 days, we needed babysitting for one family while one of their children was in the hospital and we had another sister moving (with her 3 kids) who needed her home cleaned and a lot of extra help (there is no dad in the picture there.) Then there was a third girl who needed babysitting and rides to and from school for 3 days. All of that was happening at the same time!

And the women of my ward did all of that - and they did extra!  They'd babysit for someone - and then bring them dinner for that night, as well.  One woman just called up another and insisted on cleaning some of her home. These gals will regularly phone to tell me they have some extra time that week if I need anything special done for anyone. The charity and compassion and industry of women continues to amaze me!

6.  I have known peace more greatly these past few months.  I think feeling peace is something you appreciate during a trial and then, as time passes, you forget what you enjoyed.  The roller coaster that is sharing with these women offers a lot of opportunities to plead for peace and to witness it in their lives.

It has been a (huge) blessing to me to not feel stressed or overwhelmed or scared by some of these women's trials.  Those feelings would have kept me from serving most effectively.

So - those are some of the blessings I've been noticing.  I appreciate that I have such a supportive family and I am able to serve right now.  Someday, I still hope to have a BIG FAT BREAK, but right now, I can't think of any place in the ward I'd rather be.  

Back in the day

Lately, I've been feeling old and it's no wonder.  I look at the youth today and see how easy they have it and I've realized, I've been on the planet a long time.  I've seen hardship and struggle. I don't know about today's whippersnappers - what will they be complaining about in 20 years?  How hard it was to listen to an iPod?  Please.

What I'm posting below has been (apparently) flying around the Net, so forgive me if you've already seen it. Or don't. But just remember - I'm so old, I could die soon. And how would you feel living with that on your heads?  You didn't forgive an old, dead lady and now you want to try to sleep at night?  sheesh  But I'm rambling (which old people do and we've decided to find it charming)  - read below to see the struggles of my childhood.   I'm going to go listen to my mix tape...

1. When I was a kid, we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the dang library and look it up ourselves… In the card catalog!! (Do you even know what a card catalog is? Didn’t think so!)

2. There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter...with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there.

3. There were no MP3’s or Napsters. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the dang record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up.

4. We didn’t have fancy stuff like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it.

5. And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn’t know. You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister.

6. We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600. With games like “Space Invaders” and “asteroids” and the graphics were horrible. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever. And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like LIFE!

7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just out of luck.

8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. And there was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

9. And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire … Imagine that. If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.

10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what you had to do? Hang up and talk to them later. That’s exactly what I’m talking about.

You kids today have got it too easy. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980! Regards, The over 30 Crowd

Never say never

When I imagined myself as a wife and mother, of course, I had some specific images in my mind of how that would look.

It was something between my own mom, Donna Reed (a close second to my own mom) and Mrs. Munster. How could I go wrong with a vision like that?

Generally speaking, my life doesn't look a ton like any of those women's. Most sadly, meal time doesn't look as much like the feasts my mother put on each night. We eat out a ton more than my mom ever did and I don't always have 2 side dishes, a meat, and angel biscuits.

Worst of all...and this is bad....I've taken to, for many meals....

eating on paper plates.

It feels good to get that off my chest.  It's not every meal. And it's almost never for dinner, but it has happened.  Delivery pizza + paper plates = a mother's happy Friday night.  And if my kids are eating and I am not (I'm leaving to go out with Mr. Mormon and there's a sitter), ohhhh, those kiddos will be eating on paper plates.  

From everything I can tell, neither my mother, Donna Reed nor Mrs. Munster ever used paper plates.  Both my mother and Mrs. Munster used a cauldron, but that's another story.

At first, I felt like a failure as a mom for paper plate participation.  I felt like a loser that I couldn't keep up with a DISHWASHER. I mean, it's not like I'm taking theses plates out to the pond and cleaning them. I put them in a machine, close the door, and call it breakfast.

But as time has gone on, I have come to realize the beauty of the paper plate.  In the morning, I can have the kitchen cleaned in seconds. There are never breakfast dishes piled up - because there are no breakfast dishes.  Also, the kids can easily set the table in the morning!  Even 3.0 can grab paper plates from the bottom of the pantry and put one out for each sister.

Sure, I'm hurting the environment and my children will have memories of eating on cardboard, but it's not like I use them for every meal and they do get real silverware.  That counts for something.  But I know the truth, my kids will not remember all the good things I've done - they will remember breakfast and lunch on paper plates. It's not that bad, right? It's not as low-level as, say, using your slightly damp towel from the shower to wipe off the piano as you pass it by on your way to the laundry room, thereby saving yourself one thing to dust later.  Not that I do that regularly - just - you know - it could happen...

This week in...

...Good Book/Bad Book, we'll explore a couple of lovelies. Feel free to share your opinions.

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

I so wanted to love it. I didn't hate it. No - definitely no hate or even strong dislike of the book. But I wasn't as passionate about it as I thought I'd be. The idea is fresh(ish) and funny, but it's so overwritten, in my opinion. There's almost too much (often esoteric) humor per page. In my fiction, I don't enjoy half page footnotes in 4-point font found regularly in a chapter. That kind of writing made it difficult to read.

But all in all, it was funnish and the approach was intelligent. Basically, an angel and a demon work together to try to stop the Apocalypse. They discuss the pitfalls and greatnesses of humanity and the fight between good and evil. Cute premise, but I preferred The Screwtape Letters, but that's just me.

I give the book 4 miniMormons.

Uglies by Scott Westerfeld

Fun and a good teen read. In my youth, I summarily dismissed anything fantasy or sci-fi and am learning, there's a bit of it that I really enjoy. This book fell into that category. It's fast and entertaining and addresses womanhood's age-old wonderment - just exactly how cool would it be to be completely and utterly gorgeous with no cares in the world?

I'm not sure if I agree with the author's (tacit) assertion that it might not rock - ergo - I still have my application in to Extreme Makeover. It's best to cover one's bases.

I give this book 4.5 miniMormons (upon consideration that it is a teen book.)

I've read Pretties (the next book in the Uglies series) and am currently reading Specials. I've not enjoyed either nearly as much Uglies, but they're still a solidly good way to spend some time in the school car lines. I give them each the Mama-school-pick-up-read seal of approval.

Stay tuned for our next installment where I review Eat, Pray, Love. In an attempt at full disclosure, I feel I should share that I'm pretty determined to try to hate it.

My little brother!

If my kids are "miniMormons" and my husband is "Mr. Mormon", would that make my little brother, Brother Mormon?

It's like Brother Bear meets church lingo. I likey.

Is it a...

....on a windy, cold, rainy day to just buy some macaroni salad for the ward picnic rather than make it?

I mean, this stuff is fixing to get rained on for all 5 families who are diehard enough to show up in this weather to a picnic.

If I just buy some macaroni salad, it'll cost a fortune, but it's longer I can stay in my jammies and I won't resent all that work going into something that I a. will never in a million years eat and b. will watch get rained on.

But then I promised my friend I'd help her by making macaroni salad.

To go to my Bill Clinton place, I guess this all depends on what the definition of "make" is.

These are the real trials and dramas of life people. Macaroni salad construction. You think you know travails? This here's a travail.

Meat love

3.0 is in school and they focus on her speech. She's been speaking quite a bit more already and I'm really glad because talking with her is so fun! Especially when she says such great, heartwarming lines like, "Hug me like a pork chop."

sniff

I can see already that our communication is improving!

(Not) Rolling, rolling, rolling with my homies...

Look, I know folks have real problems in life.

I know my son is not having surgery, I don't have a kid who will need daily injections, and I know how blessed I am.

But today, I'm grieving a loss of something. Just a smidge of grieving. Not GRIEVING grieving like, "Oh - let's send Mama some Prozac!" but more like, "Mama's wiping a tear."

It hit me today leaving Publix (God's gift to us via a grocery store chain) that it was the first time I can remember where I didn't have a little buddy in the store with me during the day. And that I won't have a little buddy regularly grocery shopping with me during the day again. I didn't need to trek over to the cookie counter for anyone now and I didn't get asked if I wanted a free balloon for the car trip home.

It dawned on me that, on those gorgeous Florida spring days, I won't have a dinky pal to take to the park before all the big kids get out of school. And while I read my book in said park, I don't have anyone with me who will run around and play with the other kids while I try skillfully to ignore their mothers so I can read more of my book. In fact, if I go to the park now with a book and no kiddo, the other moms will keep an eye on me, wonder why I'm there, and try to match me up to any face they have seen on America's Most Wanted.

I realized today that I don't have as much of a reason to listen to classical music in the car all day to help anyone's brain from getting mushy. (I tell the kids that classical music will help their brains un-mush from all the TV they watch.) 3.0 calls it "Butterfly Music." I can listen to it now, I suppose, but I'm content with my level of mush-brain and think I'll switch to XM 156. But I didn't realize I could even make that switch until I was basically home from errand running.

I dropped 3.0 off at school today and went to the grocery store directly afterwards. And as I pulled up to the store, I said, as I typically do, "Ok Banana Butt - what do you want for dinner tonight?" Only to realize my Banana Butt was in school now. For 8.5 years I've had some little munchkin in that carseat behind me who I chit chat with as I do my errands and who I have asked what she wants for dinner. But now, I'm free. Free meaning "alone." No pal to errand with. No little-person reason to sit in the park on a sunny day and read.

I kid-swap with another mom on Thursdays and I called to tell her now that 3.0 is in school, she won't need to babysit for me. Of course, she immediately said that I didn't have to watch her daughter anymore. I basically begged her to let me keep her baby. I explained I think I'm going to be a little lonely and need a pal. How lame am I?

Many of my friends have stuck their kids in school the minute they were able (or the minute they had to.) Very purposely, I've kept mine at home. I like them. I like hanging with them and I like that the house doesn't feel so empty. No, I don't love every minute of child-raising, but the last year has been pretty perfect with 3.0 and I've enjoyed it especially knowing this was the last baby to be home. I've kept my kids here when they were tiny as much for them as for me. Every mom loves her kid her own way - and it's not wrong. But I like mine at home when they are little. And I was lucky enough to get that. A lot of moms wish for that, and it isn't what is in the best interest of their child or their family, I know. So I'm just reminding myself that I lived what I wanted for a long time.

But right now, I miss having a tagalong.

In a week, no doubt, I'll LOVE IT.

And in the summer, I'll wonder why the flock I ever wanted them home at all!