(Not) Rolling, rolling, rolling with my homies...

Look, I know folks have real problems in life.

I know my son is not having surgery, I don't have a kid who will need daily injections, and I know how blessed I am.

But today, I'm grieving a loss of something. Just a smidge of grieving. Not GRIEVING grieving like, "Oh - let's send Mama some Prozac!" but more like, "Mama's wiping a tear."

It hit me today leaving Publix (God's gift to us via a grocery store chain) that it was the first time I can remember where I didn't have a little buddy in the store with me during the day. And that I won't have a little buddy regularly grocery shopping with me during the day again. I didn't need to trek over to the cookie counter for anyone now and I didn't get asked if I wanted a free balloon for the car trip home.

It dawned on me that, on those gorgeous Florida spring days, I won't have a dinky pal to take to the park before all the big kids get out of school. And while I read my book in said park, I don't have anyone with me who will run around and play with the other kids while I try skillfully to ignore their mothers so I can read more of my book. In fact, if I go to the park now with a book and no kiddo, the other moms will keep an eye on me, wonder why I'm there, and try to match me up to any face they have seen on America's Most Wanted.

I realized today that I don't have as much of a reason to listen to classical music in the car all day to help anyone's brain from getting mushy. (I tell the kids that classical music will help their brains un-mush from all the TV they watch.) 3.0 calls it "Butterfly Music." I can listen to it now, I suppose, but I'm content with my level of mush-brain and think I'll switch to XM 156. But I didn't realize I could even make that switch until I was basically home from errand running.

I dropped 3.0 off at school today and went to the grocery store directly afterwards. And as I pulled up to the store, I said, as I typically do, "Ok Banana Butt - what do you want for dinner tonight?" Only to realize my Banana Butt was in school now. For 8.5 years I've had some little munchkin in that carseat behind me who I chit chat with as I do my errands and who I have asked what she wants for dinner. But now, I'm free. Free meaning "alone." No pal to errand with. No little-person reason to sit in the park on a sunny day and read.

I kid-swap with another mom on Thursdays and I called to tell her now that 3.0 is in school, she won't need to babysit for me. Of course, she immediately said that I didn't have to watch her daughter anymore. I basically begged her to let me keep her baby. I explained I think I'm going to be a little lonely and need a pal. How lame am I?

Many of my friends have stuck their kids in school the minute they were able (or the minute they had to.) Very purposely, I've kept mine at home. I like them. I like hanging with them and I like that the house doesn't feel so empty. No, I don't love every minute of child-raising, but the last year has been pretty perfect with 3.0 and I've enjoyed it especially knowing this was the last baby to be home. I've kept my kids here when they were tiny as much for them as for me. Every mom loves her kid her own way - and it's not wrong. But I like mine at home when they are little. And I was lucky enough to get that. A lot of moms wish for that, and it isn't what is in the best interest of their child or their family, I know. So I'm just reminding myself that I lived what I wanted for a long time.

But right now, I miss having a tagalong.

In a week, no doubt, I'll LOVE IT.

And in the summer, I'll wonder why the flock I ever wanted them home at all!