No - that little angel is not growing in me.
One of the Young Women in the ward (aged 16, I believe) is now pregnant and unmarried. I got the call late last night that she will probably be moving into Relief Society with us now. I think, provided she will come, that everyone will be wonderful to her. She is a darling girl, really, but has been rather edgy and unkind to the other young people for some time now, and has pretty much quit coming to church for anything but the sacrament. She is still kind and good to the adults - so I think moving up to Relief Society would be a fresh start for her. And we have such a welcoming group, I think she has the potential of fitting in just fine, if she wants to.
I have so many questions on what to do! I am a big fan of adoption, but I hear she has already made the firm decision to keep the child. She might marry the father - who is not a member of our church and also in high school (the girl had dropped out of high school some time ago which was shocking as she had been an Honors student and very high achieving, but I believe now will start taking some GED classes.) Do I ask her about adoption? Do I just listen? So far on that front, the farthest I've gotten is having her (and maybe the dad) over for dinner and to talk. Or maybe lunch out with her and my Presidency? Except, ya know, we'd have all OUR kids in tow...
There is so precious little money in that home - it's just absolute poverty. I know folks will help out with the initial new-baby costs - but what then? Does she understand how expensive and time consuming and life altering this will be? Is it my job to help her see that or to just support her? Or is my job to support her, but confirm the scary realities when she finally observes them? How far do I go? Do I take her to register for baby things when she won't consider adoption or do I just call once a month and ask how she is? (Her mother is - gosh to not go into too much - just horrible to her and will not support her, I don't believe. Her father is a total pushover and a good, good man.)
Our graduating seniors just moved into Relief Society and we made a big fat deal over them their first Sunday with us...there were posters, flowers, balloons - we shared things their families wrote about them and just had a great time that day. Does she slip quietly in the back now? Do I make the same fuss? Do I treat her like a new move in and take a casserole over while I try to get to know her?
Ohh, I could go on and on with my worries for her and for how I'll support her. I'll pray for inspiration. In the mean time, if someone would like to be my inspiration at the moment, I'd be so grateful. Anyone have some real life experience dealing with this situation that you'd like to share?
16 comments:
Oh dear, where to begin? I think this just might turn into a phone call, but for the moment, I do have a couple of suggestions. I wouldn't make a huge deal about her coming into relief society...welcome her, but I wouldn't throw a bash like you did with the other girls. There are good non-discriminating reasons for this which I won't go into here. I would have one on one time with her. It may be overwhelming to her to go out with the whole presidency. She probably just needs a friend and a mentor right now....and that is YOU! After I read the post, I thought THANK GOODNESS you are the RS President. I think you are the best person in that ward to deal with this kind of situation and be the support she will need. You definitely have a talent combined with the love and patience for this kind of situation. I would definitely have her over for a casual thing and see what you can get from her about her feelings and you can then move on with how much you feel like you can be involved and how much guidance you feel like you can give her without her turning away. I just think you should attack this full on (insert your name here) Style and you can't go wrong. I'm serious.
My first thought about cases like these is there anyway for the young lady to see first hand how it is to care for a child?? In other words, can she be connected with other 16 year olds that have kept their babies?? ( My oldest will be 16 in 2 weeks...I cannot IMAGINE this happening to her!! ).
Mama - you are a no nonsense girl....you need to approach this the same way. No one knows how to state things as eloquently and non-threatening as you do ( a tribute to Jackie and the fine job she did raising you ).
If you do things with love, they have a way of working out ...don't they *wink*
I'll think on this.
Please whatever you do, don't tell her God loves her and all that mojo.
Please welcome her to RS with open arms.
Give her the schedule of playgroups so she can go if she wants.
Invite her for dinner.
Listen, listen, listen and more listen to her.
I have to wonder what hopes and dreams this girl had for herself ( or if she had any ). Did she want to go to college?? Did she want to live differently than her parents?? Did she want to make a difference in life??
It's too bad that at 16 we can't see that we CAN'T have it all. Most teenage mothers raise kids in poverty and the cycle is perpetuated.
okay. here is my two sense...
first you need to let her know that you know. she should be praised (either out loud or in your own mind) for not aborting the baby--the popular choice.
as far as welcoming her into RS, ask her if she wants a big bash. tell her that you know the circumstances are different, but you are just as excited to have her in RS. she might feel badly if she doesn't get the same celebration as the others, or she might feel badly if you make a big deal out of it. i would ask her.
if she just found out she is pregnant, you have the better part of the year to get to know her. as her friend, you can help her understand the eternal consequences of her actions and the church's stance. i am impressed that she still comes to sacrament meeting. good for her. i hope she will keep coming even after the baby arrives.
should you take her to register? no. the world and her friends can do that for her. they will no doubt be cheering for her to be a single mom (which she most likely will be, teen marriages are three times more likely to end in divorce than non-teen marriages and right now the divorce rate in the USA is 49% ...so you do the math on that.)
as her friend, you can ask her if she has thought about adoption. she is probably operating on several myths about adoption ...like most of the free world is. talk to her about open adoption and picking the family. she can have a really open adoption with frequent visits or a closed one ...whatever she wants. she can choose a couple that lives close or far is rich or poor ...whatever she wants. she can basically hand pick her baby's future. a lot of people don't know that about adoption. it has changed a lot in the last 15-20 years.
most of all, i would encourage her and her parents to encourage her to go get FREE pregnancy counseling at LDS family services. contrary to popular belief (i should know since my hubby works for them) you do not need a bishop's rec. to go. they will NOT force adoption down her throat. i don't know where you are located, but most agencies have a birth parent group one a week or twice a month where she can meet with other women in her same situation--single and pregnant. the groups are run by social workers and they go over things like how to deal with bad boyfriends, how to tell family, budgeting, adoption, marriage, etc. her counselor will help her make the decision that SHE wants to make. unfortunately, she can't be forces into anything. (oh how i wish ...but that's satan's plan, darn it.)
i would say, leave the counseling to the experts, those who have been trained and work on getting her to LDSFS and getting her educated. she most likely does not know about all her options.
i would call LDSFS in your area (let me know where and i will give you the number as i have the directory saved on my desk top) and tell them your situation. ask them for advice since they are the experts.
if you feel comfortable (and email me or something to tell me) i would love to ask some of my friends who are birth parents (placed within the last year and a half) give you advice from their point of view (one who is a single mom to a seven year old and who also just placed 10 months ago) and i could ask my hubby to give you the counselor point of view.
please don't throw her a baby shower ...it is so offensive to those birth moms who placed and those of us who are sterile.
anyway, i hope that helps. i have a whole presentation on this topic. if you send me your email address, i will forward the power point to you. it's the presentation that we do in the schools and is very interesting.
let me know.
therhouse@gmail.com
Good questions MM.
Did the girl ever mention adoption, mama?
mrs. r, I don't know you but hi!
How are these people experts?
"i would call LDSFS in your area (let me know where and i will give you the number as i have the directory saved on my desk top) and tell them your situation. ask them for advice since they are the experts. "
I'm guessing they have some kind of degree???
LDSFS.....are they the people that help/council for divorces also?
Thank you each one for the excellent advice. I'm so grateful right now to hear from all of you - those who have posted here and those who have emailed!! And Mrs. R - thank you for coming and posting when I emailed you. Like the others here, you've been generous with your time and I appreciate it so much.
I am filing all of this info away to use during the next 7 or 8 months. She has not spoken to me, yet and I asked the Bishop if I could call. He asked me to wait a bit as he hasn't spoken to her either.
Mrs. R - I TOO am totally impressed she still comes to sacrament! She sits in the back and scowls, but you know, so do a lot of the regulars. :) But she comes. Without going into too many details, there will not be family and friends to support her right now - at least not real, long-term, sustained support. She is already an outcast.
The Bishop will be counseling/begging her to please go to LDS Family services (Momi - that's what Mrs. R is talking about - except she's using the abbreviations - and they are all highly educated about this - MSWs, etc. - and they don't "pressure" the mom to place the child for adoption.) Also, I have a number of an LDS counselor there who told us to call at any time when we are in a situation we are uneasy in, and Mrs. R - your comments reminded me that I do need to contact him so he can counsel me! Additionally, I love the idea of having her talk to folks - I will see if she is open to that and I appreciate you being so willing!
Word on the street is that she very much wants to keep the child and I'll talk to her soon - I hope hope hope.
Thank you each one for your kind words - it has strengthened me a smidge and I hope I can pass on my new found courage to her. (Don't you wish you could just pour your courage into someone else?)
I am so nervous for her and want to make sure she gets the best possible love and care so that she can be really informed about what life holds for her and accurate expectations about the level of effort this will be. This girl and I have always had a special bond (I worked with her when she was 12) and I love her very much.
I *thought* thats what it stood for but wanted to make sure.
I won't taint your blog so all I can say is I hope she recieves help.
I think you are the best person for her.
I do think people are sent into our lives for a reason and vice versa. I like to think of it as a teaching experience for all. Having known you for over 4 years now, I have to say this young lady is blessed. This will play out the way it's supposed to.
P.S. the codes mock me
Agree with MM!
i'm glad you are feeling like you have the information that you need in your "toolbox" to be pulled out when ever you need it.
i am also glad that you explained about LDS Family Services. (sorry for the abbreviations. i am the worst with that.)
LDS Family services has 80 years of experience working with young men and young women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. they are trained in psychology and social work--most of them with masters or higher degrees and strong testimonies of the restored gospel. i know they are dedicated as my husband works for them. we also went through LDSFS when we adopted our son.
she is in my prayers. we pray long and hard for all those individuals who are single and pregnant every night. such a hard thing.
best of luck to you. please don't be discouraged. in 1998 there were more than 12,000 single and pregnant women in the church. a little less than 2,000 even went into LDSFS and then only 500 and something ended up placing. the odds are against you, but i am cheering for you from my corner of the vineyard.
i hope she goes into LDSFS. there is always good that comes from being educated.
much love,
mrs. r.
Ok so I started my comment earlier and was going to come back and finish it but some tender little fingers turned off my computer. It's ok. So I was sent here by Mrs. R, a friend of mine that I met through the blogging world. I feel at a loss of words just as you do in these situations because unfortunately , I feel, it is such a delicate situation to be in. So much fear that the wrong thing is going to be said. No worries I am sure that anything you say, set apart with the mantle of the Relief Society President will be better then the average Joe walking down the street. Needless to say here I am 10 months after my placement. I am Mrs. R's friend that she has mentioned in her comment that has a 7yr old daughter also. Life is so hard because of the agency factor. Although it is our greatest gift in this life it is times like these that I wish I could convince these young sweet girls what is better. That I could open their eyes down the road about 3yrs or so. That I could have them feel what I feel in my heart. There is no forcing in this life. I'm proof of that. =) Anyways I always knew that I could not single parent two children. It was just comment sense to me. Didn't mean that I wish it could work out where I could raise her, but my mind could not make sense of it. Even the Spirit can yell at these children of our Heavenly Father and they have the choice to listen. If you don't know about adoption nowadays it can sound like a scary word. Nowadays you can hand pick and personalize your adoption. It is great. Mine has turned out better then I could ever imagine. It is hard cause each person is different. I know the letter from the first presidency on children being reared in a home with a mother and a father is the only reason why my little girls birth father signed his papers. Others may fight against it. LDS services would be good for her to use as a sounding board. A confinential sounding board. Where she can share the emotions that others probably don't know that are really going on inside. She is going to need nothing but love and support. It is sad yes that there are going to be those that are going to encourage her to raise her child. This is where I had to tune those people out. Once you make a choice so altering you can only be around those that support the same views. I stepped away from a lot of people. There isn't a way to really have people in this situation see reality since their vision is typically tunneled. They can't see past this cute "doll" to play dress up with. I would not trade my 7yr old for the world she is my life but when she was born and even when I was pregnant with her I knew it was right to place her. Her father wouldn't have anything to do with it. I didn't see him the whole pregnancy. Now 7yrs later he is stepping into her life and trying to take her away from me. She is now in the middle of a custody battle. No child should EVER EVER be in the middle of that. I am fine that she has a relationship with her dad. I just don't know his intentions. This young girl really thinks she will marry and live happily ever after? Good for her. "Some" beat the odds. Look at the numbers. Why would you try to beat those kind of odds. Not worth it. Children deserve to be in a home where a mother and father love each other first and for most. Where they have the Gospel of our Savior Jesus Christ and where they respect each other. If money is tight now boy she has another thing coming. I have made it but boy I am SICK of the money thing hanging over my head EVERY single day. Just like Mrs. R said. PLEASE DO NOT THROW HER A BABY SHOWER! That would HURT! A SLAP IN THE FACE!!! That would be saying that what you are doing is A OK! I don't even know what to say really. I feel at a loss for words. I just know my personal experience and it JUST MADE SENSE to place my daughter. No I would never want to be in those shoes again. No I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but knowing how it can be on the other side. The relief that I feel, knowing she is taken care of and that I can go forward in life, in a good way, and she can have all the blessings and not be resented and deal with a stressed out home brings me peace. Yeah I have days where I wish I were her mom but not complaints how it turned out at all. The bitter has been worth the sweet, and HOW SWEET it is!!! Thank you for letting me come here and express. Let me know what I can do. All we can do is pray and in the end she has her agency.
Thank you for your insights Carlykins! I appreciate your taking the time to come and share some of your experiences here. I'm adding your knowledge and perceptions to my brain's little adoption library!
I want you to know how much I admire your decision to place your child for adoption - I think that placing a child for adoption must be one of the most selfless and thoughtful acts of our times. In a society that is so "me-me-and my happiness" centered - you chose what was best for someone else. I hope to share with this mom so many of your thoughts....thank you!!!
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