This week in....As the Ward Turns....
...one young family finds out stage 3 cancer has metastasized and is now stage 4.
...a family loses their home and is forced to move.
...a young mother miscarries the weekend her family is moving across the country.
...two more families lose their jobs.
...a mother of 5 (the oldest child in elementary school) learns she has Lupus.
...a woman who has a crisis of faith, and when I don't have time to listen as much as she'd like, she hangs up on me.
As Relief Society President, I find I am just not that sympathetic to random whining. Additionally, I find that this is a problem.
Your husband is laid off - talk to me. You are ill - share. You get headaches at church and have decided to take a couple of months off - maybe you should not try to get me to feel tremendous sympathy for that one.
I wrestle with this every week, and I've had so much patience and compassion extended to me throughout my life that I try to model that to others. But I think the faces I am making are giving me away that I think some of this....is bunk.
In my church-y job, I hear a lot of sad things. Large portions of heartbreak with sides of doubt and shame are often on my weekly menu. I try to compartmentalize individual problems and not make comparisons. I know the pain that comes from having your struggle set up against another's and you hear, "Just think - it could be worse! It could be like So-and-So's....." I've done that and seen the hurt it causes - and I've been on the receiving end and thought, "Thanks for sharing - now put your head down."
The point being, I know better.
But I am about at my WIT'S END with a couple of gals in my ward who have decided that things are sooooooooooooo hard for them. They require inordinate amounts of attention and when I reflect on their "problems", it's hard for me to not shout, "Sis. Blah's husband is DYING - can we talk about your church headaches and how the three-hour-block is harder for you than everyone else because you are sensitive AND hypoglycemic later, please?"
I know that would be wrong, but it's a large temptation on my part.
Last night at the Ward Christmas Party, I was speaking with a sister who shared with that she is feeling overwhelmed. Her husband loses his job at the end of December and she has 5 kids, and learned she was pregnant with baby number 6 when she went to get her tubes tied. Now, the little Wombie she is growing is having issues and she's in fear of miscarrying, which is an emotional nightmare for her (she feels she's wished that child gone at times - and now it might happen.) Her middle son was just diagnosed as Autistic and she's stressed out.
Duh.
As I was speaking with her, another woman (no Mom - not THAT one) was waiting to talk to me. Sis. Overwhelmed let me go saying something like, "I need to quit bending your ear - Sis. Eager is waiting to speak to you."
I turn to Sis. Eager who wants to share with me how I can better decorate for the Ward Christmas party and how she'd like me to let someone know that we should not have as much food at church functions. Also, she feels there should be more focus on service at church activities and women who have had multiple children should not be receiving baby showers. These things have been on her mind and she needs to get them off her chest as she is no longer enjoying church on Sunday and has thought about not coming back because of it.
Aaaaaaaaalrighty then.
So talk to me, Good Peeps. How do I make every sister feel like she can share and she has support - but at the same time - help folks to see that there is a bigger picture and maybe, their dramas shouldn't be as overwhelming as they have let them become? So far, I've tried:
- explaining that life is meant to be a time of growth and learning, not of pedicures and spa visits.
- helping them understand that real life doesn't look like TV.
- encouraging them to serve others so they have a clearer perspective of what real problems are.
- setting them up as Visiting Teachers of sisters who are having a hard time (that went over like a lead balloon and is another post all its own.)
- telling them, nicely, to knock it off.
- giving their problems lots of attention so they feel better. BIG MISTAKE
- praying for them.
- practicing inner eye-rolling but otherwise, plastering on the Look of Concern I was issued when I took over this job.
Help?
12 comments:
Call the whiners all to the compassionate service committee!!! :-) (I'm sure you already thought of that). I'll call you later...I got a new phone!! woohoo!!!
Boy! This is a situation, isn't it????? Okay, I'll get you out of this one, but this advice doesn't come cheap. Corn casserole forever. That's what I'm thinking!!!
Okay, here goes...
Clearly, (and I'm certainly no expert on this subject, but that never stops me), the problem(s) are coming from them and not you. Being sympathetic and listening to all of them whine, complain and reasonably grouse is your job or part of it, and you are doing that well, (perhaps too much, but well). I believe that you need to institute a 'Ride With The Prez' night and invite some of the more whiny for the opportunity to be with you as you visit the much less fortunate, (your choice of whom you visit). This will draw them in like moths to a flame as they think, "I'm going to have her all to myself and I can tell her about how the lint in my bellybutton isn't the right color and how the weather is making my cats shed too much, which clogs my vacuum, and when I bend over and then stand up, I get light headed which shouldn't happen at my age, etc... You can schedule visits with the truly 'afflicted' and perhaps you can open the eyes of the whiners. The "Sisters" idea was good, but there's no payoff for them, in their mind, for that. If they think you are captive in a car with them all night, they will probably will act like a group from a trailer park at a Black Friday sale, and rush to your side!!!
It's just a suggestion, but I'm thinking that there's nothing like stepping in the shoes of another for a reality check.
We know first hand, huh???
Good luck. I'll pray for you.
Holy Moly - I suppose slapping some of them is out of the question???
For the record, we all know that many folks we encounter DO have legitimate gripes and they need a kind ear to spill their troubles to....however, those aren't generally the folks we have problems with. It's the constant whiners that see the glass half empty and want you to fill it up.
First of all - my rule is that the first one to complain about decorations or some other silly thing, is elected to be in charge of that next year ( all said with a smiling face and assurance that Sister Eager can handle it much better than MOI can ). Mission accomplished on that one.
Next.....
People generally just want to be validated and really don't want your solutions most of the time. Listening ( which you're dang good at ) is usually enough to suffice. If it goes beyond that, it's perfectly ok to say " this is beyond my expertise or experience so let's brainstorm together on how to get out of this sticky spot "
Finally, rethink the Mormon stand on no ALCOHOL. I'm thinking this would be a good time to start spiking the egg nog.
Glad to be of service :D
I LOVE these ideas!!! I can't comment more right now about there sheer brilliance - but THANK YOU!!!
And I love you, too.
Uhh, I think that should be "their" sheer brilliance - even though I am referring to thoughts and not people.
Many apologies to all of the grammarians I'm offending with my sheer lack of knowledge.
A lack of knowledge in your case is VERY overshadowed by wit, class and dignity.
We love you too!
I cannot compete with the brilliance already exhibited here, today; capt. underpants, cherylyn and, the world's coolest, MM, have given brilliant advice, I think. I, being the Queen of Sarcasm and Dowager of No Tolerance, have this suggestion: when confronted by a whiny/demanding princess, listen until she stops for her very first breath and launch into the following speech: "Please know I will be more than happy to listen to you in just a minute but, at this instant, I am beside myself with worry for one of our sisters who's in the middle of a (pick one because someone, somewhere will be): divorce, life threatening event, miscarriage, nervous breakdown, etc.; I was just going to take a minute to offer a silent prayer, for her. I would feel so comforted if you would join join me in doing that, for her " Then stop talking; smile sweetly; take the princess by the hand; close your eyes; and stand there, for a minute, praying for anything you want.. . like lessening the desire to throttle her. Then, open your eyes; smile beneficently; whisper, "thank you so much," as you squeeze her hand; then ask, "Now, what were you saying?" This will work on the phone, also, with a few minor adjustments.
As always, I am available to travel to your side of town and straighten everyone out, on my own; you just smile sympathetically and tell everyone, "Oh, I don't know what THAT was about! Ever since the stroke, she's been a bit brain damaged."
I'm here for ya, sis. Scary thought, huh? :-)
Ummmm I vote for Jackie's suggestion!!!!
Yeah - I like Jackie's too.
Anything that involves prayer and a sharp wit sounds fun. I don't think I could pull it off - but man - it'd be great!!!
Great advice from everyone here.
I can't stand complainers, whiners and those who play the victim all the time.
Tell those ladies to buck up or shut up! :-D
I don't know...when they were handing out PATIENCE, I thought they meant PATIENTS, and I didn't want to be sick! So I ran the other way! :/
I'd have a really hard time keeping quiet...I'd want to tell the whiners with no REAL problems to shut the heck up! :0
As you can plainly see, I still have a long way to go in developing charity. :S
Mama! I loooooove your comments, they are some of my favorites! You are soooo sweet :)
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