Mama and New Mama bond

Last night I went to visit my young friend who is  16 (17 next month) who is having a baby.

I don't know where to begin.  So, I'll start with the front porch.  And the menagerie of plastic animals and garbage in the yard and her biological mother who, along with her boyfriend, live in the shed next to the house but aren't "allowed" to go inside expect to use the restroom. 

She let me in - I had been warned she wouldn't - so I was immediately excited.  She was warm and gracious and was baking her friend a birthday cake.  She is really a darling girl and I told her I've missed her since I got the axe outta Young Women's.  We chit chatted a lot and fell into an easy pattern of just sharing and talking.

But it was hard to not notice the filth.  Dog feces, ants, rooms filled with junk to the ceiling...but New Mama had "cleaned" (a young person's version of cleaning - ya know?)  the living room, family room and kitchen and I could tell her pregnancy enthusiasm was lighting a fire under her to make some changes in her world. 

We talked about school and how all of that will work out and she showed me ultrasound pictures.  We talked about where she'd live and what she plans to do for money (she plans to become a cosmetologist and make $1300 a week and to live with her dad forever because he will be too lonely without her and he loves kids.)  

She believes she and her son can be a success because many of her neighbors were teen mothers who managed to "make it work." She told me she knows she and her son won't be featured on the cover of a Parenting, but she doesn't think that means he can't know he is loved and that she won't be a great mom.  

New Mama said to me, "My mom was never really around, but I always knew my dad loved me. We were unconventional, but we made it work and I know I can make it work with my son, too."  I wish those types of sentences had been placed in her paragraphs in such a way that I could get a word in to say, "Ahh, but there is so much better!  There is a more loving choice..."

There were times I literally did not know what to say. I had prayed for inspiration, but it was hard to get words out through the shock.  

She's very much in a baby honeymoon right now. She's got so many books on pregnancy, she's already met with a lactation consultant (she isn't due until November - phew), she has a stroller and car seat and a diaper service all lined up.  There are little baby clothes and tiny cowboy boots sitting out.  She was absolutely GLOWING about this pregnancy. I think that shocked me. I  didn't expect her to be so over-the-moon thrilled. It was hard not to get caught up in her euphoria.

She thinks it can all work.  She is very convincing and gets you to believe it too - even as you are staring at a pile of laundry that literally goes to the ceiling.  It's hard to love someone so much and be so shockingly appalled at what she thinks will work.  Heaven help us all through this. I don't know how she cannot be confused and disoriented, because I am.

I didn't broach the subject of adoption as my main purpose was trying to get to know her again. I am hopeful I will have the chance.  I did write this to Mrs. R earlier today.  

I am having a greater realization for the magnitude of grace and wisdom and true love that adoption is.  I thought I knew. I didn't, really. I'm sure I still can't comprehend it completely, but placing a child for adoption really is love.  Buying car seats and play pens and knowing your child will sleep where there is feces on the floor and ants in the dog food.....that's not really the highest exemplification of love. 

God bless birth mothers who place their children for adoption.  God bless every last one of them.  

So - there's the re-cap.

Step One - love the mother and reconnect - check.

Step Two - who the heck knows?  More of the same?  Share more about adoption.  Help her learn to be a mom?  Help her clean? Explain how she needs to establish child support through the courts if she keeps this baby like she's planning to. Explain that  there will not really be a crutch through this?  Teach her how to make nutritious meals (I had to walk her through making a cake from a box yesterday.)  Sit back and wait.  Take those things in order.  I dunno...

Please help your friendly RS President

No - that little angel is not growing in me.

One of the Young Women in the ward (aged 16, I believe) is now pregnant and unmarried.  I got the call late last night that she will probably be moving into Relief Society with us now.  I think, provided she will come, that everyone will be wonderful to her. She is a darling girl, really, but has been rather edgy and unkind to the other young people for some time now, and has pretty much quit coming to church for anything but the sacrament. She is still kind and good to the adults - so I think moving up to Relief Society would be a fresh start for her. And we have such a welcoming group, I think she has the potential of fitting in just fine, if she wants to.

I have so many questions on what to do!  I am a big fan of adoption, but I hear she has already made the firm decision to keep the child.  She might marry the father - who is not a member of our church and also in high school (the girl had dropped out of high school some time ago which was shocking as she had been an Honors student and very high achieving, but I believe now will start taking some GED classes.)  Do I ask her about adoption? Do I just listen?  So far on that front, the farthest I've gotten is having her (and maybe the dad) over for dinner and to talk. Or maybe lunch out with her and my Presidency?  Except, ya know, we'd have all OUR kids in tow...

There is so precious little money in that home - it's just absolute poverty.  I know folks will help out with the initial new-baby costs - but what then?  Does she understand how expensive and time consuming and life altering this will be? Is it my job to help her see that or to just support her?  Or is my job to support her, but confirm the scary realities when she finally observes them?  How far do I go? Do I take her to register for baby things when she won't consider adoption or do I just call once a month and ask how she is?  (Her mother is - gosh to not go into too much - just horrible to her and will not support her, I don't believe.  Her father is a total pushover and a good, good man.)

Our graduating seniors just moved into Relief Society and we made a big fat deal over them their first Sunday with us...there were posters, flowers, balloons - we shared things their families wrote about them and just had a great time that day.  Does she slip quietly in the back now? Do I make the same fuss? Do I treat her like a new move in and take a casserole over while I try to get to know her? 

Ohh, I could go on and on with my worries for her and for how I'll support her.  I'll pray for inspiration.  In the mean time, if someone would like to be my inspiration at the moment, I'd be so grateful.  Anyone have some real life experience dealing with this situation that you'd like to share?