The history of Mother's Day - a la Mormon

I have a history of bad Mother's Days.  It's not Mr. Mormon's fault. It's my fate. My destiny.  I am doomed to have bad Mother's Days.  Luckily, I still really love being a mother and realize it's not about the day.  And now I know just to brace for the badness.

I know you're thinking, "Oh Mama - don't be mama-dramatic.  How bad could your Mother's Days be?"

Let me tell ya.

There was the year my eardrum ruptured on Mother's Day.  I took myself to the emergency room all night and there were toe nails on the floor.  The doctor had me remove all my clothing for my ear check.  Then, telling me it was too late to do anything, gave me medications that caused my blood pressure to go through the roof and land myself back in the doctor's office.  (I also got to have a tube up my nose that occasion.  I had the joy joy joy joy up my nostril - up my nostril - up my nostril.....)

There was the year I was on bed rest for Mother's Day.  Oh, that was fun.  That day was toilet plunger Sunday, as well.

There was the year this happened, too.  Here is a journal entry I found about last Mother's Day. Re-live the joy with me!

Mother's Day a la puke

I woke up on Mother's Day and immediately panicked looking at the clock.  Everyone was still asleep - and it was less than an hour before we had to leave for church.  ARGH

I hopped in the shower, dried my hair, threw on a robe, and made breafkast for 2 miniMormons.  And that's when it got ugly.

Miniest had gotten sick and it was eeeeeeeverywhere. I called down for Mr. Mormon to help me, and he took a couple of minutes getting there as he was finishing putting on his suit. So up comes a handsome, well-dressed, fully cologned man to help clean puke.  At least someone was ready for church on Mother's Day.

I got Miniest in the tub and Mr. Mormon stripped sheets.  Then I had to race downstairs to work on non-pukers' church hair.  I got them settled and organized and shipped 3 of my family members off to church without a mother on Mother's Day.

0_0

Then, it was back to Puker. Got her cleaned and dressed and decided I was still going to make myself look cute on Mother's Day as, heck, I'd bathed and that was half the battle!  I just needed to flat iron my hair and get some clothes on and this day wasn't going to be all shot to heck. Gosh, it wasn't even 8:30 am - plenty of time for greatness still!

So I started the laundry for Miniest and took her to my bathroom to do both of our hair. I turned away for one smidgey tiny second and Miniest (for the first time EVER) grabbed my flat iron.

Ohh - the scream of pain!

QUICK!  Rush Miniest to the fridge and get an ice bath going for the burn. On the way, I stopped in the other bathroom to grab some Tylenol for her and got her well-doped for both of our peace.

Once the screaming was relatively reduced, I thought we'd snuggle on the sofa and I'd hold her and let her watch some TV as a diversion while I waited for some of her (disgusting) laundry to finish.  We settled down, I had her all bundled up and snuggly, propped on the extra soft pillows (with not 1, not 2, but 3 chenille blankets surrounding her, arranged to her exact specifications) when....buuuuuuuuuuuurp.  Out comes the Tylenol.

What kind of mother am I to give a puker Tylenol?  ARGH

We head straight to the laundry room, and now, I've been puked on, so I have to carefully peel off my robe and her (once lovely white) dress and unwrap her from all the blankets and pillows, all the while, keeping the hand IN the ice water. While going through all of this, I realize, heck - at least the first load of puke laundry is ready for the dryer!  As I'm working on her and trying to figure out how to move the washing machine laundry to the dryer with the least amount of pukage touching moiself, I hear a strange noise coming from the family room.

Puker is settled enough she can sit tight for a minute and off I run - nekid mind you because my robe had been puked on - to find the source of the bizarre noise.  Ahhh - it wasn't an intruder or a rogue tornado racing toward my home!  It was just the dog having an epileptic seizure on the floor, spewing more body fluids about for me to clean up. 

Realizing I couldn't do a lot for the dog and now hearing shrieks of pain and misery coming from the laundry room, I left the dog to her agony, promising to clean her up in a few minutes. I did ask her why she couldn't have seized on the tile, but realized she was probably too occupied to have thought of that.

I got the wet laundry moved, the new laundry started, Puker calmed and re-tubbed, and I went back to the dog (Ok, still nekid, if you must know.)  I helped her outside (yes, nekid - sigh) and began pretreating the carpet and NOW I got some clothes on.  While getting dressed, I gave up on the hair and threw the flat iron back in the cabinet.)

I cleaned the carpet, cleaned the dog, and finished re-washing Puker, but this time I left her in a diaper.  See I'm no dummy! Back to the sofa for resumed cuddling/TV watching.  ahhh

It was about this time that Miniest Mormon saw the Tylenol dropper and wanted to play with it.  No problem, I thought.  She would take the 1.5 mL dropper, put it in her ice water bath, and then drink from the dropper. This is not something you or I might do (it's gross, frankly), but I didn't see much harm in it - and thought it would be a good test to see if she could keep tiny bits of liquid down.

She couldn't.

It was back to the shower for me after this hurl-fest (by way of the laundry room, of course!) Luckily, the dryer was now done, so I could get those things out and, gosh, wear them for the day as I'd first intended!  Puker needed a new diaper, and all of those were upstairs - so we went up there, changed her, and cleaned that tub of its vomitous remains.  A few minutes later, I was back downstairs cleaning the sink where I had had to sponge bathe her post-third-puke.

Downstairs, the dog had another seizure, this time in the laundry room and she cut her face doing it.  There was blood eeeeeeeverywhere.  I Florence Nightengaled-ed her up and it was now time to clean those throw rugs (eww!), take everything off the floor in there (ironing board, vacuums, etc.) and run the Scooba.

By this point, Miniest can handle no more no-Mama, so it's back to burn duty and huge amounts of cuddling.  

And as we cuddled, all I could think was....Happy Mother's Day!

With my track record, I'm clearly doomed to have an anvil drop on my head this year. It was nice knowing ya!  It truly is the best job in the world and no matter what happens that day, I do love being a mom.  Happy Mother's Day, homefries!

Because I love to make Mr. Mormon laugh

Life is short.  Pause the player (below) and giggle with us...

c

I love music, yes I do.

I love music, how 'bout you?

One of the best BEST BEST things about bloggging is adding the jammin' tunes.  I love to find a song to match my mood, my post, or one of my fellow blogger's sentiments.  

To date, my favorite musical blog addition was when I added Staying Alive after Jackie's most unfortunate hospitalization.  Oh man, did I laugh at that one. Although, I do believe, Jackie is not "a woman's man", but you still got the point.

It seems I regularly have a "theme song" for my life.  My theme song will often change (what can I say? I'm fickle.)  I find myself regularly humming the hymn The Time is Far Spent as I race about town trying to get all of life done. It seems appropos of late, especially the last verse. 

Be fixed in your purpose, 

for Satan will try you;

the weight of your calling he perfectly knows.

Your path may be thorny, but Jesus is night you;

His arm is sufficient, tho demons oppose.

Care to share?  Do you have a theme song for your life? At the moment, what tunes are speaking to your sooooul?   Be it funky fun, silly-ness, or something more transcendent, share away.

Blessed peace!

Long, long day.  

Rude kid.  Boogers.  Coughs.

Teacher Appreciation Week

(need I say more after that line?)

Trapped in Target.

Will this calling ever end?

But tonight.

Blessed, peaceful tonight.

aaaaahhhhhh

Dancing With the Stars

100th episode

Judges will reveal their favorite 10 dances of all seasons.

I'm sure to see Julianne Hough again!

1.0 and 2.0 will be at church.  3.0 will be in bed.

Ohhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaah.

SMOOCHES!

Mama's Product Endorsements

Do you ever wander down the detergent aisle wondering if something else would be more Fantastik in getting your stains out?

Ever watch those late night informercials and ponder if the Ronco rotisserie is truly worth your hard earned dollars?

Sometimes, do you think, "I could probably look this item up in Consumer Reports and find out its rating, but I'm way too lazy"?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you have come to the right place.  I've decided to periodically evaluate some products and report in on their value here in the Mormon homestead.  Products will be rated in terms of miniMormons with 5 miniMormons being the highest rating anything can receive. 

Here, at What the Monkey, we pride ourselves in, well, not a lot because, as we all know, pride cometh before the fall. But if we were to be proud of something, it would be of our policy of inclusion. Ergo, please feel free to share your product endorsements, as well.  If you hated a product this Mormon has endorsed, you are probably wrong, but it's still important you get that off your chest and shed new (albeit possibly misguided) light on the subject.

And now - without further ado - some endorsements...

1.  Scotch-Brite Stainless Steel Cleaner (refill pads)

I grabbed these pads not realizing there is this entire system one should purchase to more systematically clean the stainless steel.  These pads are meant to accompany a "unique handle" that (I am supposing) will make the job all the easier.  oopsies

Nonetheless, the pre-moistened pads rock!  They leave a great shine on my garbage can and they have a fresh, lemony smell.  Oooh la la.  LOOOVE it. They are expensive-ish and there are only 6 in a pack, but seriously, my garbage can looks impressive.  I'd say you could eat off of it, but that doesn't sound like a really ringing endorsement.

I give Scotch-Brite Stainless Steel Cleaner (with no unique handle) - 4 miniMormons! 

2.  Scrubbing Bubbles Fresh Brush Flushables

If you're like me, you're often thinking there HAS to be a better way to clean a toilet. And other than refraining from using the home commode and visiting the service station down the road every night, I'm reasonably sure there's not a way to make this a joyous and simple experience. (And it's not technically joyous to go to the service station, so I shouldn't have used that example, really.)  

But there are products that will make the cleaning less wretched.

One such product are Fresh Brush Flushables.  They make it possible for you to take a quick swish about the bowl, flush the gross away, and get on with life. They are best accompanied by those flushable Clorox Wipes-type thingys, so that you can clean your seat, clean the bowl, and have no evidence (because who really wants trash in the bathroom trash can?)

I enthusiastically give the Fresh Brush Flushables - 4.5 miniMormons!

3.  T. Marzetti Asiago Peppercorn salad dressing

If you love a creamy, peppery salad dressing - this one is for you. Ohmystars - it's yummy. It's uber yummy.  It's a yum flavor fest.  And on top of all of that, it was voted 2006 Dressing of the Year by The Association for Dressings and Sauces. (Shut up!  And here it is in my lil' ole house!)

I serve this dressing a lot and it has been beloved by everyone.  Or at least, they didn't choke or gag on it.  You'll find it in the store near the bags of fresh spinach and lettuce - not on the salad dressing aisle - as it is refrigerated.  With no glutton and no preservatives - how can you go wrong?

I give T. Marzetti's Asiago Peppercorn Dressing - 5 miniMormons!!  The highest honor I can confer!

At this time, I have decided not to berate any products, but am saving that for the future when I need to get some frustrations out.  Be afraid poor products!

Now, anyone care to share some of your favorite cleaning products or foods?  Go for it!!

Turn up the tunes and BOOGEY

I have nothing insightful to share at the moment, but I have received complaints from some of you that I have not updated in a few days.  I am busy homeys, but in the meantime, to keep you occupied I have...

1.  Added a new tune for your listening pleasure. Because yes - it's always all about you. And I'm a giver. So I gave you a new tune.  

The best thing about that song is the typewriter rhythm accompaniment.  Looooove it.  

It's OK to chair boogey to Nine to Five. It's the Net - we can't see you doing it. And even if we could see ya, we probably don't even know your real name.  DANCE!

2.  I will now give you a brief but cute 3.0 story.

This morning, 1.0 and 2.0 were playing that they were hurling off golf balls. Before they'd hit the ball, they'd say, "Fooooooore!"  

Here's an exact recounting!

1.0  Fooooooooore!

2.0 Fooooooooore!

1.0  Fooooooooore!

2.0  Fooooooooore!

3.0  Ooooooooooooooooooone!

We all giggled. She probably thinks we are the ones who need Special Ed pre-K at this point.  And she's probably right.  Frankly, we are known to have brain damaged people in this family.

Have a great day all and stay tuned for an exciting edition of  Mama's Product Endorsements, coming up next!  (After I make some compassionate service deliveries, take a shower, and get a kid off to school...)

Stumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen...

...pour myself a cup of ambition

and yawn and stretch and try to come to liiiiiife.

Hold that thought while I back up a smidge.

Jackie Oh's traumatic event of tragedy certainly was, well, tragic and traumatizing.  It wasn't cool and I don't envy her recovery process and doctor's appointments.

But leave it to me to make band aids out of latex.  I've made some all-new-life-changing-revolutionary decisions since Jackie's unfortunate hospital incarceration.

Namely, I cut a bunch out of my life.

No more volunteering in each kid's class one day a week.  No more SAC committee secretary-ing.  I told the Ward Music Chairman to please just, well, leave me the heck alone.  No accompanying, soloing, or anything like unto it.  I didn't resign as class mom, but I did make the announcement of what I am willing to do the rest of the year - no more - and other folks can just step it up.  I dropped out of carpooling with another mom (who, in actuality, just had me picking her kid up every day and never contributed) and overall, have just cut back a ton.

It feels GREAT!

A little boring, but GREAT!

OK, more than a little boring, but still great.

Great-ish.

Like, more great than bad, but not like super duper great.

Let's be honest - it's a smidge dull.

The calling is still insane, but I need a life other than that calling or I'm just horrid to deal with.

And the truth is, I don't want to go back to being class mom thrice over and volunteering at the school like crazy and going back to secretary-ing it up for the SAC committee - I really don't want to return to those stressors.  The very thought gives me acid flashbacks. (OK, I never took acid, but work with me, people.)

It's not that any of the things I was doing were bad. They weren't. I was just sick of them.  And I am looking for all new adventures to be sick of now.

But I would like to do a little something.

So yesterday, I got an email, possibly offering me a job. And I think it sounds perfect. 

A new charter school is opening up right near where Mr. Mormon works. It focuses on science and is well-established in South Florida, but this is its first school where I live.  They are looking for folks to comprise a school governing board.  The board will do everything from approving teacher selection (and administrator selection as well, I believe) to budget allocations/approvals, etc.  

I was nominated for the position by the principal of my big girls' school and by a personal friend.  Apparently, they are looking for someone on the board who meets the demographic of those they expect to have in the school (a parent who works in the research park where the school will be located - which, my husband does), someone who is familiar with how a school works and the legislation that governs it (which serving on SAC did for me), who has worked with children extensively (hello - PRIMARY!), blah blah blah.

Anyway, I've met the requirements and will have a phone interview soon. The man in charge said he was surprised in a county as big as mine to have heard the same name twice, so he knew he had to contact me. I was HONORED!   I was told I pretty much had the job IF I wanted it - but they had heard I had recently cut back on all my commitments, so they hoped I'd still consider them.  (he he)  My commitment would involve once to twice monthly evening meetings, and then lots of reading at home so that quick, informed decisions can be made about the school at the meetings.

It will also mean professional attire at said meetings.  :)

I'm excited to find out more.  YAY  I know I'm the token mommy-contribution to an otherwise professional board, but someone had to take one for the team.

I had hoped to start a little lunch delivery business when 3.o started school, and was pretty excited about that. But this is something I can do now that will be a lot less labor intensive for me, and hello - I get to wear cute clothes for it!  SCORE!